The
New You
A
Letter to My Brother-in-Law
Rick
Quick
Well,
you finally did it. You and your wife are about to have a baby.
Right now you are on top of the world, thinking about how your
kid is going to be the most awesome baby ever, how she will grow
up to be president, and how she will take care of you in your
old age and change your diapers.
Well,
I want to welcome you to the world of being a dad. And I want
to set you straight on how this is actually going to go down.
First,
everyone is going to tell you that you have a beautiful baby.
Then, once you are gone, they are going to talk about how ugly
and wrinkled the baby really is. Sure, it would hurt your feelings
if you know this, but your revenge is that you will be able to
do it to them later.
Next,
if you haven’t noticed, your wife is starting to change.
It started slowly by her asking you to pick up your clothes, because
she was just too tired. Then it was cooking dinner, and cleaning
the house. Now, she has finally trained you to be a house-husband.
You
are under the impression that once the baby gets here, this will
stop. Ha. Welcome to the real world! She ain’t about to take
all of that back on. You will get to keep on doing this forever,
or at least until you die. And if you try dying to get out of
it, you will spend eternity working as a maid for Tide, the Patron
Saint of Dirty Clothes.
Karma
really is a bad thing.
Next,
you will find out who your friends are. Those guys who used to
stop by to drink your beer and eat your food? Well, they don’t
like to watch you do housework. And they don’t like babies
who cry. Instead, they will go to someone else’s house and
bum. So get used to talking to your wife, because no one else
is going to be dropping by.
Remember
when you used to watch all of those violent movies and TV shows?
Chuck Norris kicking people in the head and Arnold blowing up
buildings? Well, you can forget that now, unless Barney decides
to rescue POWs from Iraq. Singing Wiggly Wiggly World is about
as close to the WWW as you are going to get.
Now,
there are advantages. Women like men who carry around babies.
Of course, your wife won’t let you talk to them. And you
will meet other parents who are in the same boat as you. But you
will hate the way they raise their kids and will pray your daughter
never marries their son.
So
say good bye to the old you and welcome in the new improved you.
Get familiar with yourself, and learn to be comfortable going
to dinner with spit-up on your shirt. It won’t be as much
fun as getting drunk and throwing up on yourself, but at least
your head won’t hurt the next day. And of course, your wife
will be very pleased with the new you.
After
all, she finally made you into what she wanted to marry in the
first place.
***
Rick
Quick
lives in Louisiana and is an engineer by day. He has been a columnist
for The Inquisitor for two years.
©
Rick Quick